sincerely, a gentle parent

this article is an in-depth look at this video.

i prefer ‘present parenting’ to ‘gentle parenting’ and this video is the perfect example of why. so many of the parents i see regurgitating this rhetoric will spank their children for crying, send them to time-out for expressing themselves, and then wonder why a disconnect occurs later. as a “gentle parent,” allow me to set the scene: my child and i were playing indoor soccer as we usually do. he was fast, calculated, and “getting all the goals” as he would say. when i scored on him, he became upset. i do, often, “let” my child win but it is mostly unnecessary because he is so skilled! on this day, well, momma got to those ankles! i celebrated, not to boast but in joy and confidence. i am teaching my son to refrain from dimming his light to assist others’ shine. i mindfully showcase good sportsmanship, camaraderie, and teamwork. however, in this event, my son seemed to feel a sense of betrayal, injustice, and confusion all at the same time. i could have easily scoffed, said something like, ‘you’re crying for nothing’ or ‘get over it,’ but in this hood of parenting i prefer to challenge myself! dismissal is not a solution.

as a parent, that calm you keep wishing your child would find is found in you.

my child, nor any child, comes into this world an inconvenience; unfortunately parents transform them into this for a myriad of reasons, most prominently being fear. as humans, children who eventually became adults and parents, we tend to fear our own emotions like the plague. some of us fail to see that we are a product of our environment, not some dysfunctional item once placed on the factory belt of life. we did not feel seen, we did not feel heard, and as a result struggle to do so for ourselves, let alone our children. this doesn’t mean we do not try or desire more for ourselves and our families; it means we lack the tools needed to build more, because that is what it takes. so, i decided to get active about me and mine! this video is an example of that action.

i will officially begin by saying that staying calm at these times of emotional turbulence is not easy for anyone involved. parenting itself does not seem to align much with ease, and at times feels far from it, but i made a commitment to this journey. when i discovered i was going to be a mother i thought long and hard about not only how i wanted to show up for my child but what i wanted to show my child. i knew that children learn a lot less from listening and more by watching. you know, ‘monkey see, monkey do.’ i began a crash course of healing, a boot camp of sorts, because although i knew my child would arrive just as he was meant to be i wanted to be as prepared as possible. to me, preparation looked like embodying my most peaceful, mindful, and nurturing self when he was placed into my arms. despite outside forces, i accomplished this. i sheltered my baby in an iridescent bubble of divinity, serenity, cuddles, and breastmilk! it was impenetrable. mostly. i knew that the only way to maintain this, when he weaned from my breasts and grew to want less cuddles, was to reinforce it with my presence. when it was said that ‘the present is a present,’ i don’t think the meaning was specific to time. i wanted to gift my child my presence, not only in his infancy but throughout his life. now, i am doing just that. now, let’s talk about how.

after my son began to express himself about how he was feeling i requested and received his permission to both record and post this (as i do with anything including him). this is not at all the norm, but i felt guided to try something new by sharing this teaching moment. next, in between clips, i told him as i always do:

‘it’s okay to feel your feelings. they can get pretty big, huh? i see that. i can’t meet you exactly where you are because i wouldn’t be able to help you out if it, but mommy is still right here with you. you let me know when you’re ready to talk about it.’

that second clip in the video is him doing just that! he is processing his emotions at his own pace. he is feeling through his emotions, not on my time but his. how will he grow into an emotionally aware and intelligent being if i rush this process? how will he empathize with others if his own mother does not emphasize and sympathize with him? so, i do not shush and silence my child when he is experiencing heavy emotions. regardless of how loud or how grueling they may seem, children’s emotions must be seen and nurtured by their parents so they can be understood by the child. how does this occur? it begins with a regulated parent! if you are anything like me you may get overstimulated at times (emphasis on the over). there is so much going on in the life of a parent that one more nursery rhyme or one more tug on your shirt could send you over. as a parent, and especially as a sole caregiver, we have to find and keep our calm. when a child’s feelings get hurt they feel big regardless of what we as adults consider to be small. we can build on empathy by reminding ourslelves that we were once that child, shutting down not knowing what to do because the emotions are rocking us so much we don’t know which way is which. you think that fender bender was big? a child would probably disagree! isn’t that interesting?

as a parent, that calm you keep wishing your child would find is found in you. that calm is learned through you. how can you expect a child to accomplish what you yourself cannot? someone cuts you off in traffic and you are cursing them out, or your coffee spills and you toss the entire cup. your children are watching. i am not telling you this fact to add to the fear and anxiety you carry; i am telling you this to make you aware. show them what you want them to see! show them how you want them to behave, and not with the intention of control! show them with the intention of providing them with the tools they need to live a better life! after the video took place my child came to me and said, “i’m ready to talk now, momma.” music to my ears! i asked him how he was feeling and listened intently. in order to do so, i momentarily silenced my personal opinions and gave him the floor without interruption. when he was finished, i affirmed to him that i understood, repeated back to him what i heard (because what we hear is not always what is being said), received confirmation, and asked if i could share. my baby said yes so i expressed my self, not to deflect or discredit him but to shed light upon my actions. i told him that mommy was simply playing the game, that my intention is never to hurt his feelings but that it is not okay to say that i cheated or was playing unfairly just because i made goal (yeah, he was mad mad). he agreed, and i further explained that we both may have been confused. i offered up a possible solution: ‘next time we play soccer together let’s talk about what we expect so we don’t get disappointed. if you don’t want mommy to score, we will call it practice and i can watch you do so. however, if you want to play with mommy you are going to have to be okay with the possibility that i might score too. instead of focusing on that possibility, focusing on beating me to it and guarding the ball. don’t let me take the ball! winning is not about someone else being the loser; it’s about having the skills to match your confidence and doing your best, just like mommy did because i want you to do the same.’ we agreed, hugged, and went about our day.

during this process we never skipped over accountability, respect, or empathy. as i have personally experienced, parents sometimes fail to hold space for their child’s feelings because they are struggling to hold space for their own. when i expressed my feelings, that were related to something i felt my parents did to me, i was often met with, ‘i don’t want to hear anything else. you are being disrespectful.’ i choose not to do that to my child, or anyone for that matter. i choose faith over fear. i choose presence over self-preservation. i am able to do this because i have raised myself in the safety that i matter, and so do my feelings. i have said many times and to many people, “your feelings are valid,” and i have meant it every time. i just had to learn to affirm the same to myself! and now, i regift that to my child: not the belief but the knowledge that he is heard, seen, and he matters.

this is why i prefer ‘present parenting’ over ‘gentle parenting.’ people think gentle is synonymous with weak, passive, and indicative of a “spoiled” child. it is not. soon we will discuss the true meaning of ‘gentle,’ but for now, children are not food and therefore cannot spoil! they are beings deserving of all the love, attention, care, and presence we can possibly give them. the same is true for us, and if we weren’t given that by our parents then well, it is our responsibility to give it to ourselves so we do not rob our children of it.

“gentle parenting” is not weakness; it is both one of the hardest things i have ever done and one of the most rewarding! consider why your methods come so easily to you. sit with this for a while my dearest spankers, time-outers, shamers, and ‘stop all that crying before i give you something to cry about’ers and ask yourself, ‘damn, did i really turn out okay’?

sincerely,

a gentle parent

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