self first is not selfish

i don’t feel that we ever have to do or be something just because we’re good at it, or because someone wants us to in the name of ‘love.’ i believe we simply get tricked into it. i mean, some of us are good at hurting people, self-sabotage, and lying- that doesn’t mean it should be done.

although i suppose that in the spirit of authenticity… if that’s what you truly feel guided to do, if that’s written in your stars, then why not (see how that was rhetorical). however, if hurting others eats you up? well, then, go find you something safe to do! you know, safe as in… aligned, with you and not them. and, hear me out, maybe that something safe is not love. we do so much in the the name of of love; what about doing things in the name of truth? God? in the name of all there is, in its highest state, unneeding of alteration? us… just as we are. yeah… i want to be a part of that!

“yes, love deserves commitment. it also deserves space, time, and freedom to grow or wither as it is meant to.”

self first is not selfish. i don’t care (what i mean here is i don’t resonate with but this feels more fiesty!) what anyone says. if we weren’t meant to prioritize ourselves then we would all be quite literally stuck together and forced to help one another survive. can you imagine? needing to swim and somehow remain in perfect tandem with another or risk drowning? prioritizing others is a choice, as it should be (with the exception of parenthood, don’t get me started) just like prioritizing self. making that choice, makes it love. so, i say- authenticity first, love second. who’s with me?

i no longer believe in doing and giving solely because i love; i prefer to do because i feel guided to- moved to. if i feel moved to, i can probably put some whipped cream on top and do it for the love of the chaotic game- that way, i am confident the love is, at its root, aligned and natural… safe, and sound- a home to return to. i know that no one is present out of whimsical and fleeting feeling, but in self-truth, from intuition, and out of obligation. yes, love deserves commitment. it also deserves space, time, and freedom to grow or wither as it is meant to. authenticity is a fire you have to keep alive. it’s inside. on the contrary, sometimes, different loves need to die- not to merely go away or perish but to be transformed and transmuted into something… well… useful. something, fruitful. otherwise, what is the love doing? is God not love? God can do all things, right?

ironically, despite its championing vibration, authenticity can become tainted beyond recognition. it will always be what it was but its value, if neglected, can be difficult to increase once lessened. authenticity implies ‘one-of-a-kind.’ it is a language you can forget if you do not exercise it. love just is; it is why “loved” items are recycled! how beautiful! that love- God- truly is always there, but even the force of God preserves itself. babies come into this world pure, assertive, and as the most potent manifestation of love- interesting, yet disheartening, how at such young ages we can be robbed of our authenticity and be compelled into a lifetime of rediscovering it all under the guise of love. God seems to be in all of us, and apparently remains so regardless of our condition, but authenticity? authenicity is what we work so hard for. authenticity is that goal, the passion, that recurring dream. perhaps, love can fuel authenticity... it seems though that authenticity is the foundation for a fulfilling life.

ask yourself- do i feel more authentic when acting in my shadow? my light? both?

when i feel safe to do and say the things i fear i might be otherwise shamed for, where do i go? what do i do? who are am i with?

love can beckon us back to the very places that tore us apart while authenticity, presently, may whisper, “now you know damn well you don’t want to go back there”! being who we are, who we are becoming, keeps us safer than being who others want us to be- our past selves. a part of the premise of love is to please one another; it becomes about how we appear rather than who we are, what the other believes is best even for us. we excuse things we shouldn’t and accept things our future selves would shake their heads at. we are all only ever learning, but i don’t think anyone should be an exception to our personal rules. the right, aligned, ones will agree, and if not will respect or choose to collaborate (not compromise) in pursuit of a solution. ‘if you loved me you would’ seeks to manipulate, but when you know yourself it becomes a lot more difficult for it to find you unprepared and itself able to strip you of your free will.

we ought to be ourselves. we ought to be exactly who we came here to be.

—brielle niarra